It is time...

Ready to tell you all....I am fat again. Very VERY fat again, not only did I gain it all back, but add a couple of pounds for good measure. 256. There it is the number I did all by myself.

Worst part was last time I started I had just had a baby 6 weeks earlier, I don't have that excuse this time. I ate my way to fatness. Almost 30 pounds of it in just 3 short months. I was 228 the last time I weighed myself in November.

I know how it happened,

I gain 75 pounds...

The first 25 came on pretty slowly I was still watching what I ate, exercising few times a week. I had stopped weight watchers, but I knew what I was doing. I learned a ton from them, and was ready to practice on my own. So without the rigid counting food points, measuring portion sizes, and tracking everything. From June 2010, till Feb. 2011, I gained 25 pounds. I know this because I went to a weight watcher meeting, I was at 207. Not bad actually I was proud of myself, I could get this under control in NO time, it was just 25 pounds.

Problem was I didn't take control then I waited. And then the slippery slope started. I started eating more, making more bad choices, and then my husband got a call we waited for. He was going to leave me for 5 months, he got a job as a federal agent. So he left and food at my house became mac and cheese, hot dogs, chicken tenders, and more and more I was eating kid friendly foods, and lots of it. I went to visit Ryan Oct 6, 2011 I weight in at 235. After seeing my husband I felt a new love and was inspired to restart weight loss. I dropped 7 pounds in a couple of weeks.

Everything was all good I was still in control!

Then I left my house, moved to my parents dream home in South Carolina because we were moving from Buffalo NY to Arizona for Ryan's new job. I HAD to quit smoking AGAIN for the third time(I know I am a HUGE IDIOT sorry mom and dad but got to be honest here) I will say it was easier because I only smoked a pack a week. I will save that little tidbit for another post. Was walking away from a place I made a home , I made life long friends, something I never had before. My girls were getting older and I was going to back school. It hit me that as good as this move across country, all I was leaving behind.

Then my grandma died, and I couldn't afford to be there before she died, and I was the only one from my family that couldn't be there for her funeral. My husband was busy studying, working out, and becoming prepared for his new job, that I got maybe 5 minutes a day to talk to him. I turned to what comforted me food. Lots and lots of it. I would wait till I put the girls to bed and eat a ton.

When I moved to Arizona, I was still bitter. All I had to sacrifice for Ryan, and I started cooking insane recipes, then eating a normal portion, and when Ryan went to bed would eat my seconds and more often 3rds then. I ate so much, I think I am actually surprised I only weigh 256.

I have a lot more to say about this and to tell, but I am ready to change and start over again. I also want this to be a learning tool, that I can NEVER EVER GO BACK. It will be like smoking again. I have 2 choices
1. Be fat.
2. Work my ass off to lose the weight, and work even harder to maintain, and feel good.


I am still beating myself up right now, but I am pretty sure I chose 2 =)

Sticking with the diet.

So far so good. Sticking to weight watchers without being fat, and without the extra nursing points takes planning. I pretty much know what I will eat for the rest of the day with 2 points left over for a night snack.

I have not been able to weigh in at all. My husband has been working long hours, and I really enjoy the meetings. I also am procrastinating. The more I lose without knowing the less I will beat up on myself. So if I weigh in and still am in the 180's I will be thrilled.

I haven't been able to get back into the working out aspect. It is hard without the marathon as my goal I feel blah about it. I am going to do a duathalon. Even that though seems almost easy in comparison. It is a 3k run, 12 mile bike, and then a 5k run. Just seems so anticlimactic after the half marathon.

So I never told the story of the half marathon. Well here it is a month late but better late than never.

So May 29th I went and picked up my packet, I never felt better here I was showing up to an event with all these people I envied previously and now I was one of them. I received my packet and my husband went out for a pasta dinner. Then my wonderful husband took me to Dick's and let me buy a running outfit. I have always run in pants and whatever t-shirt I could find. It was going to be unseasonably warm so he insisted I needed shorts. I ended up picking out a running skirt, and a sleeveless tight shirt. I thought I looked great...at the store.

Later that night I put on my new outfit to show my husband. He looked at me and lost it, I realised I am NOTHING like the other people picking up the packets, I looked like a cow in the outfit. I yelled at Ryan, I cried, and threatened to not run the next day. I was just really nervous about the race, and took it out on poor Ryan.

The next day I woke up still upset about how fat I thought I would look, but still got dressed, picked up my friends, and went off to the race. We lined up took off, and around 1 mile down we all separated at our own pace. I was doing good till I hit 3 miles, and wanted to cry, I could have sworn to myself that I just ran 5 miles. Thankfully the next 2 miles were all lake front, and I was able to enjoy the scenery. Right at mile 5 I saw my husband cheering me on. Ironically mile 5 the reverse way is also mile 10, I was doing a decent pace, the clock showed 57 minutes, not bad figuring that I was from start not from when I finally crossed the starting line.

I became pretty motivated at that time, I was under the 12 minute pace I wanted for myself. I saw my husband. Mile 5-10 went awesome, I was still running about mile 7 I ran into the 12 minute pacer. He was an older nice man who this was his 132nd half marathon, he also had run 52 full marathons. So I started running with him and 2 other ladies. We had fun we were encouraging and enjoying ourselves.

Then I passed the mile 10 marker.....I asked the pacer where we were and he said we were a little behind pace it was at 2 hours and 5 minutes. I was okay with that...and then BAM!!!!!!!!

I hit the wall, the idea of running anymore had me in tears, I started to just walk, when one of my new friends tried to encourage me I had images of punching her in the nose. I slowed down to a near crawl. The only thing that kept me going was pure fact that I would not be the one that gave up after 10 miles. If I had to crawl across that finish line I would do it. So I kept going, slowly and walking. Mile 12 came and there was my husband in running shoes. He kept lying to me saying it was just around the corner not long, I would try to run but my toe (of all things) would cramp up and I would lose my balance. So I just stuck to walking. Just I hit the strip where the end was I hear "MOMMY GO MOMMY" look over and there are my darling girls cheering me on like I was going to win the race. So toe be damned I was going to run across that line. I started running like it was the first mile, I ran over gave them hugs on the run, and ran across that finish line at 3 hours 2 minutes and 15 seconds.

I was finished 2427th(out of 2583)....but when I went over to meet my Riley with my finishing medal, she ran up to me gave me a big hug and said "YOU WON MOMMY, You WON!!!!!!!!"

So that was the race, it took me an hour to go 3 miles, and 2 hours to go 10. I think I needed to work on endurance a little more. I figure I can only get better, I can't get much worse. After I know I get the half marathons down I will start to prepare for a full. But I have to be able to do it in less than 5 hours.

I am back

It has been awhile. I have been taking a break from the weight loss, I gained some. I don't know how much but my size 8 jeans are too tight, and the size 10's are still falling off but were not embarrassing anymore. I will go to weight watchers again tomorrow, and will soon know the true extent of damage I have done. I am a little nervous about it.

I have spent the last 2 months not tracking, but I can not say I am eating horrible just just not watching. I also won't say I regret everything I did. I enjoyed this little break, this time where eating, counting and exercising controlled my life. I ate what I wanted when I wanted, but always with the mindset of still eating right. I never bought Oreo's and ate the entire bag, I never ate big Mac's and french fries. I still loved my Moe's and kept away from adding high caloric things like loads of cheese, sour cream, and eating it with the tortilla.

I did eat pizza now and then, would let myself have cake at birthdays, and eat buns, real ones not Arnold's thins. I just let myself eat when hungry and stop when I was not. Stuff I will get to do when I am at the end of the weight loss journey....not in the middle.

The one part I did disappoint myself with was the fact I stopped exercising, sure I have my excuse of working more, but that is an excuse. I made 2 YMCA reservations this week, so I can jump back on that wagon.

I started up the weight watcher web site and tracked everything for today. I am drinking water and trying not to cry to myself about the loss of nursing points. I have 19 points less than I had when I started weight watchers. It almost makes me wish I could be a wet nurse and NEVER stop nursing.

I do have a ton more to tell you but that is a start. I will end with 2 pictures. One is From Sophie's first birthday and the other is from my older daughter's first birthday. It still amazes me to look at the difference. Sophie turned 1 on June 23rd 2010. Riley's is from February 27th 2008.

I ran the half marathon

People close to me and on face book have been bugging me....I will do a much longer post but I am alive, I finished my first half marathon, and I have not lost nor have I gained any weight in the past 6 weeks.

That is the quick update I will be back for more!

Scared to run outside

Today I am going to force myself to run outside. I have avoided it at all costs, even to the point of picking fights with my husband so I did not have to go run outside. I can run for hours(okay 1 hour) on the treadmill. I seriously go into a panic thinking about running outdoors.

I am not sure what the block is, but I have some thoeries.

1. If I run outside EVERYONE can see me, at the gym only the people there can see me run. Bonus is I work out at the YMCA, so most people are in the same shape I am in, not super buff people. Infact on the treadmill today I worked out next to a 70+ woman on one side, and an 82 year old man(he told me) on the other.

2. I am not secure in how I look running, I am afriad people will drive by and laugh at the fat girl trying to run.

3. Bra, I have huge boobs, like 38 G cup, no matter the bra I buy there is still some major bouncing that I once again don't mind the few people at the gym seeing but to open that to the public freaks me out.

It all comes down to my insecurities. Walking I would have no issue with, but running freaks me out. So today I am going to run to my meeting...

Hockey game, 3 beers and a pizza

My husband is a huge sports fan, he is a fan of every sport out there, not just to watch but to play it as well. So me being a nice wife, went out and bought us both tickets to the Buffalo Sabers playoff game. It was great we had a much needed date night, on Thursday. I was good all day waiting for this night, we went out to eat and I ordered the small veggie pizza, and beer.

I did not track what I ate, but I do not think I did too bad but I am playing the "hope game" for my weigh in on Tuesday.

Running is going well. Today I ran on the treadmill covering up all the info and went purely on instinct and what felt comfortable, and I ran faster than ever before I did my 5 k in 34 minutes. I love running in intervals though, I do 4 min. run and 1 min walk. I am sure I could run it all, but I think that 1 minute makes me feel like I am taking a break. I think that is what I will do for the half marathon. I actually run faster over all with intervals, and I can go farther.

I am back on track for the rest of the week, lots of water and lots of eating well. I think I will still post a loss but I don't think it will be 10 pounds HAHA.

Slacker!

I just found this blog last night. She just hit under 150 pounds, and lost over 100 pounds. The thing that spoke to me about her blog is that we started our weight loss journeys, and blogs at the exact same time. It spoke more to me because she started her blog at almost exactly the same weight I was. She was 254, and I was 252. We both lost 50 pounds at almost exactly the same time frame, we both got under 200 the same week.

Then I did something she didn't do...

I told myself that the next 50 would be so much harder to lose, and let my self slack. She has just lost another 50 pounds and is under 150 pounds, me I lost 20.

I realised she never told herself that it was going to be too hard to lose another 50 pounds in 4 months, so she kept going strong, and she kept seeing great losses. She never gave herself permission to go off plan because people told her how great she looked(oh and she does!!) so kept on losing. She never had to work extra hard one week to lose the weight she gained the previous week, because she never let herself lose sight of the final goal. I did all of those things, and that is why I have only lost 20 pounds in 4 months and she is at my goal!

This motivates me to want to keep going, because if she can I can too. I just wish I found her sooner because maybe it would have helped, but then maybe I would have excuses....I am good at those!