It is time...

Ready to tell you all....I am fat again. Very VERY fat again, not only did I gain it all back, but add a couple of pounds for good measure. 256. There it is the number I did all by myself.

Worst part was last time I started I had just had a baby 6 weeks earlier, I don't have that excuse this time. I ate my way to fatness. Almost 30 pounds of it in just 3 short months. I was 228 the last time I weighed myself in November.

I know how it happened,

I gain 75 pounds...

The first 25 came on pretty slowly I was still watching what I ate, exercising few times a week. I had stopped weight watchers, but I knew what I was doing. I learned a ton from them, and was ready to practice on my own. So without the rigid counting food points, measuring portion sizes, and tracking everything. From June 2010, till Feb. 2011, I gained 25 pounds. I know this because I went to a weight watcher meeting, I was at 207. Not bad actually I was proud of myself, I could get this under control in NO time, it was just 25 pounds.

Problem was I didn't take control then I waited. And then the slippery slope started. I started eating more, making more bad choices, and then my husband got a call we waited for. He was going to leave me for 5 months, he got a job as a federal agent. So he left and food at my house became mac and cheese, hot dogs, chicken tenders, and more and more I was eating kid friendly foods, and lots of it. I went to visit Ryan Oct 6, 2011 I weight in at 235. After seeing my husband I felt a new love and was inspired to restart weight loss. I dropped 7 pounds in a couple of weeks.

Everything was all good I was still in control!

Then I left my house, moved to my parents dream home in South Carolina because we were moving from Buffalo NY to Arizona for Ryan's new job. I HAD to quit smoking AGAIN for the third time(I know I am a HUGE IDIOT sorry mom and dad but got to be honest here) I will say it was easier because I only smoked a pack a week. I will save that little tidbit for another post. Was walking away from a place I made a home , I made life long friends, something I never had before. My girls were getting older and I was going to back school. It hit me that as good as this move across country, all I was leaving behind.

Then my grandma died, and I couldn't afford to be there before she died, and I was the only one from my family that couldn't be there for her funeral. My husband was busy studying, working out, and becoming prepared for his new job, that I got maybe 5 minutes a day to talk to him. I turned to what comforted me food. Lots and lots of it. I would wait till I put the girls to bed and eat a ton.

When I moved to Arizona, I was still bitter. All I had to sacrifice for Ryan, and I started cooking insane recipes, then eating a normal portion, and when Ryan went to bed would eat my seconds and more often 3rds then. I ate so much, I think I am actually surprised I only weigh 256.

I have a lot more to say about this and to tell, but I am ready to change and start over again. I also want this to be a learning tool, that I can NEVER EVER GO BACK. It will be like smoking again. I have 2 choices
1. Be fat.
2. Work my ass off to lose the weight, and work even harder to maintain, and feel good.


I am still beating myself up right now, but I am pretty sure I chose 2 =)

Sticking with the diet.

So far so good. Sticking to weight watchers without being fat, and without the extra nursing points takes planning. I pretty much know what I will eat for the rest of the day with 2 points left over for a night snack.

I have not been able to weigh in at all. My husband has been working long hours, and I really enjoy the meetings. I also am procrastinating. The more I lose without knowing the less I will beat up on myself. So if I weigh in and still am in the 180's I will be thrilled.

I haven't been able to get back into the working out aspect. It is hard without the marathon as my goal I feel blah about it. I am going to do a duathalon. Even that though seems almost easy in comparison. It is a 3k run, 12 mile bike, and then a 5k run. Just seems so anticlimactic after the half marathon.

So I never told the story of the half marathon. Well here it is a month late but better late than never.

So May 29th I went and picked up my packet, I never felt better here I was showing up to an event with all these people I envied previously and now I was one of them. I received my packet and my husband went out for a pasta dinner. Then my wonderful husband took me to Dick's and let me buy a running outfit. I have always run in pants and whatever t-shirt I could find. It was going to be unseasonably warm so he insisted I needed shorts. I ended up picking out a running skirt, and a sleeveless tight shirt. I thought I looked great...at the store.

Later that night I put on my new outfit to show my husband. He looked at me and lost it, I realised I am NOTHING like the other people picking up the packets, I looked like a cow in the outfit. I yelled at Ryan, I cried, and threatened to not run the next day. I was just really nervous about the race, and took it out on poor Ryan.

The next day I woke up still upset about how fat I thought I would look, but still got dressed, picked up my friends, and went off to the race. We lined up took off, and around 1 mile down we all separated at our own pace. I was doing good till I hit 3 miles, and wanted to cry, I could have sworn to myself that I just ran 5 miles. Thankfully the next 2 miles were all lake front, and I was able to enjoy the scenery. Right at mile 5 I saw my husband cheering me on. Ironically mile 5 the reverse way is also mile 10, I was doing a decent pace, the clock showed 57 minutes, not bad figuring that I was from start not from when I finally crossed the starting line.

I became pretty motivated at that time, I was under the 12 minute pace I wanted for myself. I saw my husband. Mile 5-10 went awesome, I was still running about mile 7 I ran into the 12 minute pacer. He was an older nice man who this was his 132nd half marathon, he also had run 52 full marathons. So I started running with him and 2 other ladies. We had fun we were encouraging and enjoying ourselves.

Then I passed the mile 10 marker.....I asked the pacer where we were and he said we were a little behind pace it was at 2 hours and 5 minutes. I was okay with that...and then BAM!!!!!!!!

I hit the wall, the idea of running anymore had me in tears, I started to just walk, when one of my new friends tried to encourage me I had images of punching her in the nose. I slowed down to a near crawl. The only thing that kept me going was pure fact that I would not be the one that gave up after 10 miles. If I had to crawl across that finish line I would do it. So I kept going, slowly and walking. Mile 12 came and there was my husband in running shoes. He kept lying to me saying it was just around the corner not long, I would try to run but my toe (of all things) would cramp up and I would lose my balance. So I just stuck to walking. Just I hit the strip where the end was I hear "MOMMY GO MOMMY" look over and there are my darling girls cheering me on like I was going to win the race. So toe be damned I was going to run across that line. I started running like it was the first mile, I ran over gave them hugs on the run, and ran across that finish line at 3 hours 2 minutes and 15 seconds.

I was finished 2427th(out of 2583)....but when I went over to meet my Riley with my finishing medal, she ran up to me gave me a big hug and said "YOU WON MOMMY, You WON!!!!!!!!"

So that was the race, it took me an hour to go 3 miles, and 2 hours to go 10. I think I needed to work on endurance a little more. I figure I can only get better, I can't get much worse. After I know I get the half marathons down I will start to prepare for a full. But I have to be able to do it in less than 5 hours.

I am back

It has been awhile. I have been taking a break from the weight loss, I gained some. I don't know how much but my size 8 jeans are too tight, and the size 10's are still falling off but were not embarrassing anymore. I will go to weight watchers again tomorrow, and will soon know the true extent of damage I have done. I am a little nervous about it.

I have spent the last 2 months not tracking, but I can not say I am eating horrible just just not watching. I also won't say I regret everything I did. I enjoyed this little break, this time where eating, counting and exercising controlled my life. I ate what I wanted when I wanted, but always with the mindset of still eating right. I never bought Oreo's and ate the entire bag, I never ate big Mac's and french fries. I still loved my Moe's and kept away from adding high caloric things like loads of cheese, sour cream, and eating it with the tortilla.

I did eat pizza now and then, would let myself have cake at birthdays, and eat buns, real ones not Arnold's thins. I just let myself eat when hungry and stop when I was not. Stuff I will get to do when I am at the end of the weight loss journey....not in the middle.

The one part I did disappoint myself with was the fact I stopped exercising, sure I have my excuse of working more, but that is an excuse. I made 2 YMCA reservations this week, so I can jump back on that wagon.

I started up the weight watcher web site and tracked everything for today. I am drinking water and trying not to cry to myself about the loss of nursing points. I have 19 points less than I had when I started weight watchers. It almost makes me wish I could be a wet nurse and NEVER stop nursing.

I do have a ton more to tell you but that is a start. I will end with 2 pictures. One is From Sophie's first birthday and the other is from my older daughter's first birthday. It still amazes me to look at the difference. Sophie turned 1 on June 23rd 2010. Riley's is from February 27th 2008.

I ran the half marathon

People close to me and on face book have been bugging me....I will do a much longer post but I am alive, I finished my first half marathon, and I have not lost nor have I gained any weight in the past 6 weeks.

That is the quick update I will be back for more!

Scared to run outside

Today I am going to force myself to run outside. I have avoided it at all costs, even to the point of picking fights with my husband so I did not have to go run outside. I can run for hours(okay 1 hour) on the treadmill. I seriously go into a panic thinking about running outdoors.

I am not sure what the block is, but I have some thoeries.

1. If I run outside EVERYONE can see me, at the gym only the people there can see me run. Bonus is I work out at the YMCA, so most people are in the same shape I am in, not super buff people. Infact on the treadmill today I worked out next to a 70+ woman on one side, and an 82 year old man(he told me) on the other.

2. I am not secure in how I look running, I am afriad people will drive by and laugh at the fat girl trying to run.

3. Bra, I have huge boobs, like 38 G cup, no matter the bra I buy there is still some major bouncing that I once again don't mind the few people at the gym seeing but to open that to the public freaks me out.

It all comes down to my insecurities. Walking I would have no issue with, but running freaks me out. So today I am going to run to my meeting...

Hockey game, 3 beers and a pizza

My husband is a huge sports fan, he is a fan of every sport out there, not just to watch but to play it as well. So me being a nice wife, went out and bought us both tickets to the Buffalo Sabers playoff game. It was great we had a much needed date night, on Thursday. I was good all day waiting for this night, we went out to eat and I ordered the small veggie pizza, and beer.

I did not track what I ate, but I do not think I did too bad but I am playing the "hope game" for my weigh in on Tuesday.

Running is going well. Today I ran on the treadmill covering up all the info and went purely on instinct and what felt comfortable, and I ran faster than ever before I did my 5 k in 34 minutes. I love running in intervals though, I do 4 min. run and 1 min walk. I am sure I could run it all, but I think that 1 minute makes me feel like I am taking a break. I think that is what I will do for the half marathon. I actually run faster over all with intervals, and I can go farther.

I am back on track for the rest of the week, lots of water and lots of eating well. I think I will still post a loss but I don't think it will be 10 pounds HAHA.

Slacker!

I just found this blog last night. She just hit under 150 pounds, and lost over 100 pounds. The thing that spoke to me about her blog is that we started our weight loss journeys, and blogs at the exact same time. It spoke more to me because she started her blog at almost exactly the same weight I was. She was 254, and I was 252. We both lost 50 pounds at almost exactly the same time frame, we both got under 200 the same week.

Then I did something she didn't do...

I told myself that the next 50 would be so much harder to lose, and let my self slack. She has just lost another 50 pounds and is under 150 pounds, me I lost 20.

I realised she never told herself that it was going to be too hard to lose another 50 pounds in 4 months, so she kept going strong, and she kept seeing great losses. She never gave herself permission to go off plan because people told her how great she looked(oh and she does!!) so kept on losing. She never had to work extra hard one week to lose the weight she gained the previous week, because she never let herself lose sight of the final goal. I did all of those things, and that is why I have only lost 20 pounds in 4 months and she is at my goal!

This motivates me to want to keep going, because if she can I can too. I just wish I found her sooner because maybe it would have helped, but then maybe I would have excuses....I am good at those!

If I was on the Biggest loser...I would have won this week!

10.2 pounds...Holy crap!! I new it was going to be decent, but I thought I would lose, 6-8 pounds not all of it plus some. So that puts me at a new low!!! I have officially lost exactly 69 pounds.

In other news thanks to Katie J, and the blog she sent me too, I have some things to think about. I still really want to look my best, and I still have time. I now know what to ask and a little more of what to expect if and when I get a tuck done.

In sad news my parents beagle, the one I picked out my senior year of high school, is dieing. She has cancer and they do not expect her to make it through the summer. I am really sad about this, she is the sweetest funny beagle ever, so in her honor and something that has nothing to do with weight loss I am going to tell a funny Rosie story.

Now I am sure you have all heard beagles are natural born hunters, they have hunting instinct. Well we thought Rosie missed that message, because she never tried to hunt anything. Until one day...My dad loves to take Rosie for walks through the State Park camp ground in the winter, and one day the get out of the car and Rosie immediately goes on point. She smells the air, and start baying like only a beagle can, and then takes off. My dad start chasing after her(swearing I am sure the entire time), it is winter so no one is really camping and my dad follows her tracks, until he comes across what she "hunted".....It was a Boy scout group cooking bacon!

GRRRRRRRRRRR

I have lost 70 pounds, and I look in the mirror and still see my stomach. My HUGE stomach. It seems I have lost 70 pounds everywhere but my stomach. I can fit in size 10 jeans, but a dress I need a size 16.

It came to a boiling point today when I went shopping for a T shirt. We are going to a Buffalo Sabers playoff game on Thursday, and needed a couple new shirts. Ryan and I went to the store I grabbed some women slightly fitted shirts in both large and extra large. The larges were a joke, and the extra large I came out and asked Ryan what he thought, he just shrugged...and knowing my husband I knew what that meant. From Ry it means "I have seen you look worse, but its not great."

We left and I had to buy ANOTHER men's t-shirt. I did it in tears, I am so sick of this huge stomach. I actually spent time researching a tummy tuck. I know I still have fat on my stomach but 50% of what bothers me is loose skin. I have fat for years and this is different. With pants I can even tell the difference between the fat and loose skin, my pants all have rolls hanging over them because of skin, I am not stuffed into pants too small, because if I go any larger they fall off of me, and the 10's fit everywhere else...legs, hips, and butt.

I am just so mad! I did what I was supposed to, I ate right, and worked out, why do I have to have this gross stomach.

Today I actually called and made an appointment to meet with a plastic surgeon, I made it for September. It will be just after my one year anniversary of when I started my weight loss journey. I figure I should be close to goal, and have a healthy BMI. I am also seeing about a breast reduction, I currently wear a 38 G. Running is killing me I have permanent scars on my shoulder where my bra digs into my shoulder.

So that is my vain self coming through, 2 kids and a massive weight loss is doing havoc on my body. I just want to be happy with that body, I have busted my ass to loose the weight I do not want to be embarrassed about myself ever again.

Funny thing is I never was as embarrassed about my 250 pound body as I am right now, but like Ryan reminded me I had reached a point I just stopped caring too.

work and thoughts

You know if I need a pick me up work is were it is at! I work part time as a server at the Cheesecake Factory, horrible food choices but a great please to make a little extra money for the family and not ever have to worry about a babysitter. Friendly reminder tip your server, we only make 4 dollars an hour.

The funny thing about this part time job is the support about my weight loss from the people I work with is amazing. The first person that noticed my weight loss was one of managers, he was the very first person that noticed and did not know I was trying to lose weight he just notice I was getting smaller, in fact now he refers me to "slim." People are always giving me compliments, and telling me how great I look. It seriously helps me stay motivated. One person told me I looked like a went on the biggest loser.

I realised through all of this, all these people at work want to see me succeed. They are all rooting for me. And they are having fun watching me shrink before there very eyes.

I also thought about how rare it is for someone to start and lose a large amount of weight. I have bigger friends who yes of lost weight but never all they needed, but I only know one friend who lost 50+ pounds and kept it off. This is something that is hard, it takes a life long commitment, and when you start this there are times your old life style rears its ugly head(hello 10 pounds), but today I realised I like being the person that can accomplish something HUGE (no pun intended).

So for all of you (and me) on this journey know we are working toward something that most people never even start, and few ever carry on. So I am not going to let the small things get me down, I am going to keep on working because the thinner Katie is emerging as some one who is not only healthier and thinner, but also stronger.

I just hope everyone has the support system I have, my parents my friends my co worker and obviously blogger world have helped me...so Thanks!

Day 3 of eating right! Goals set.

Things are going good, I have managed to stay away from everything bad. Surprising the the large weight gain has motivated me to stay true to me goal.

I was thinking about goals and my goal to lose 100 in 1 year means I have 40 pounds to lose in 5 months. My concern is that may not be the most feasible, so my new goal is to be a healthy BMI by August 11th. That would mean I have 30 pounds to lose, little more realistic. I have to really stick to it and work hard though. I could have easily been in the 170's if I had not slacked so much these last 3 months.

Goals...
1. Be 170 on Sophie's 1st Birthday. I was 270 when I delivered her, so techincally that will be losing 100 pounds in a year=)

2. Run 3 days a week 3-7 miles, run it all as well no slacking.

3. Eat my points the right way, I have less now than ever before, so if I want to not always be hungry I have to eat them right. So that means more veggies, fruit, and not using points to eat crap procesed foods.

4. Drink my water, this is something I really got away from the last few months. I was doing great with water, then I sort of stopped and went back to my diet coke addiction. Now I need to restart the water and have my Diet coke as a special thing not as 90% of the liquid I get.

5. MOVE MORE EAT LESS! just had to state the obvious goal.

6. Be a helathy BMI (160) on my start date anniversary...August 11th.

Blah blah the fall happened

So I never thought I would be one of THOSE people you know the one that gains....well I did almost 10 pounds since my surgery.

no excuses, just going to focus on tracking, and training.

This week I am trying the no sugar...its easy for me to say that now because after my weigh in and my plan for tomorrow I did what I also said I would never do and ate more easter candy. I am on a sugar high, so it is always easy to say no more sugar this week. It is the same as saying I will never smoke again after just finishing a ciggerette. It is all the best of intentions UNTIL the cravings hit.

So here it goes...

working out.

I am taking an easy still. I am doing 30 minute walks, while Riley has her gymnastics class. Maybe there is something wrong with me but unless I am sweating and breathing hard I do not feel that it was productive, and a 30 minute walk does not even come close.

IT makes me think back to what I used to consider "working out" I would walk up the street and back down, about 1.2 miles, and congratulate myself on that, then follow it up with a treat of some kind. I used to love to take the .5 mile walk to the gas station by our house, to go get candy, chocolate, or ice cream, the walk the .5 mile back, and eat about 400 calories in snacks. I would walk around the mall for a couple of hours, and follow it up with a trip to Mrs. Fields. They had the buy 3 items get the fourth free, I would eat 2 right away, bring home the other 2, one for me and one for my husband. I always rewarded my measly exercises with a something bad for me.

I will say I was lucky, Even at my fattest I was able to stay some what fit. I never had knee problems, or back problems. Sure after a long walk my feet would ache but I just thought that everyone felt that way. So when I started actually working out I was able to push myself. I was pretty certain that I could run the 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Now with the slight set back I am going to up that to 2 hours and 30 minutes.

My entire out look on working out has changed, I love to push myself see how much I can do. I think that is why I chose running, it is something I can see every time I run, I can go faster and farther than ever before.

I love that certain things have changed in my life forever, I can never see eating the way I used to ever again. I also can never see me wanting to not work out, sure I will slack ow and then but these past couple of weeks have proven to myself that it is an important part of my life. I miss it so much!

YAY! 183.8

Loosing a gall bladder was nice to me. I am down 6 pounds! Now my goal is to just keep that this week. I really have to watch what I eat, because exercise is slow, today I walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill, and earned a measly 2 points, better than nothing but still not my 40-60 minute runs.

So goal this week is to maintain the loss from surgery, if I lose great, but it will not ruin anything. Next week I hope that I get the okay from my doctor to run again. It kills me though, today is a gorgeous 55 degree day, and I could not run.

So I start my week at 183.8...68 pounds lost since August 11Th.

Holy pregnancy!!

Note to self DO NOT DRINK THE BLOG WATER!!!

Okay just doing my daily reading (I needed to do 2 weeks of catch up) and read 3 of my blogger friends announced they are pregnant!


Congrats to Learning to be less, Jenn at Watch my Butt Shrink, and Laura at Monday Starts today!

Feeling better everyday!

I am scared right now. I am healing a little everyday, I had the laparoscopy surgery done, so I should be back to 95% in 2 weeks. My surgon said I will be able to do everything in 4 weeks.

That is 4 weeks off from strength training, I hope to be okay to run in another week. I do not like this in fact I am getting panic attacks, because lack of working out. I think part of me thinks I will wake up and be 250 pounds again. Everytime I look in the mirror I think I see weight I am gaining.

Tomorrow I have my weigh in, last week I missed it because of an attack. It is hard for me to even guess what the scale will say, I could have lost 10 pounds or gained 5 I guess I will know tomorrow.

The only thing that totally keeps me from freaking out is the less of an appitite I am having right now. It is coming back slowly now but until yesterday I had not one complete meal.

So I will let you all know about tomorrow...Oh one thing I forgot to tell blog world, I own a pair of size 8 jeans.....that fit!!!!

I am back... minus a gall bladder.

I am back.

The past month or so I had these really intese stomach pains, I chalked it up to a stomach ulcer or bad heart burn. Long story short, it turns out I had gall stones. I went to the ER tuesday night with horrible pains and left the hospital yesterday without my gall bladder.

Bad news is that obviously excersising is taking a back seat to healing.

Good news is I have zero appitite I eat only enough of what is good for me and not much more.

189.2

Well its better than a gain, but not the 187 I saw yesterday.

Finally I have had 2 weeks of consecutive losses.

Okay going to meet with a personaly trainer now.

MIA

Okay so I was in Michigan for the past few days. I went to a Michigan State Hockey game, they won! I also went to a Michigan State basketball game they lost=( My almost 3 year old has learned the entire fight song, and will sing it all the time for anyone. It does this mommy's heart proud, she even told Ryan and I, "Mommy that my school!"

As for diet and excersise, I did pretty great. I did not track but I made great decisions, I had tuna, and stir fry. Breakfast at Holiday inn express has these amazing cinnamon rolls, I only split one with my husband one day, the other day I did not eat any. I also got work outs in, I ran 3 and half miles one day, the other day I only made it 3 miles, I drank the night before and it killed me, I ran till I lost 300 calories, then stopped.

Today was a fun exciting day I had a total fitness assesment!

Hear are my numbers...

Current weight 187
Height 5 ft 7.25 in
Blood pressure 118/76
resting heart rate 53
BMI 28.4

Measurements
waist 38 (in.)
Hip 42.5 (in.)
Waist/hip ratio .89(this is bad very high risk it should be under .8)
right arm 11.75(in.) left arm 11(in.) Can you tell what arm I carry the baby in?
Right thigh 22.75(in.) Left thigh 22.5(in.)
right calf 17(in.) left calf 17(in.)

%Body fat (skin folds)

Triceps 17.5 mm
Abdomen 31.5 mm
Supra Ileum 25 mm

Total 74 mm = 30% Rating...borderline high risk GOAL less than 23%

Good news is I have a very high lean mass. If i was to loose weight without lossing any lean mass, and have a 0% body fat I would be 131 pounds!

So to be in the 23% range what is healthy, I need to be 170 pounds. WOOHOO

To be a healthy BMI i need to weigh 160, but the trainer is starting with the body fat first, so my goal is to be 170 by June.

There is a ton of numbers, most on which I don't get, I am kind of bummed that I didn't do this 65 pounds ago, just to see what I have done. I do want to say tomorrow is weigh in day at WW, and if the scale at the YMCA is any indication, I will be in the 180's, but the only weight I count is my weekly weigh in at WW. Here is hoping they match=)

New low

Now if i just play my cards right I could be out of the hellish 190's

I lost and I am down to 190.4

Before I get excited, I have not had 2 consecutive losses since December.