Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It is time...

Ready to tell you all....I am fat again. Very VERY fat again, not only did I gain it all back, but add a couple of pounds for good measure. 256. There it is the number I did all by myself.

Worst part was last time I started I had just had a baby 6 weeks earlier, I don't have that excuse this time. I ate my way to fatness. Almost 30 pounds of it in just 3 short months. I was 228 the last time I weighed myself in November.

I know how it happened,

I gain 75 pounds...

The first 25 came on pretty slowly I was still watching what I ate, exercising few times a week. I had stopped weight watchers, but I knew what I was doing. I learned a ton from them, and was ready to practice on my own. So without the rigid counting food points, measuring portion sizes, and tracking everything. From June 2010, till Feb. 2011, I gained 25 pounds. I know this because I went to a weight watcher meeting, I was at 207. Not bad actually I was proud of myself, I could get this under control in NO time, it was just 25 pounds.

Problem was I didn't take control then I waited. And then the slippery slope started. I started eating more, making more bad choices, and then my husband got a call we waited for. He was going to leave me for 5 months, he got a job as a federal agent. So he left and food at my house became mac and cheese, hot dogs, chicken tenders, and more and more I was eating kid friendly foods, and lots of it. I went to visit Ryan Oct 6, 2011 I weight in at 235. After seeing my husband I felt a new love and was inspired to restart weight loss. I dropped 7 pounds in a couple of weeks.

Everything was all good I was still in control!

Then I left my house, moved to my parents dream home in South Carolina because we were moving from Buffalo NY to Arizona for Ryan's new job. I HAD to quit smoking AGAIN for the third time(I know I am a HUGE IDIOT sorry mom and dad but got to be honest here) I will say it was easier because I only smoked a pack a week. I will save that little tidbit for another post. Was walking away from a place I made a home , I made life long friends, something I never had before. My girls were getting older and I was going to back school. It hit me that as good as this move across country, all I was leaving behind.

Then my grandma died, and I couldn't afford to be there before she died, and I was the only one from my family that couldn't be there for her funeral. My husband was busy studying, working out, and becoming prepared for his new job, that I got maybe 5 minutes a day to talk to him. I turned to what comforted me food. Lots and lots of it. I would wait till I put the girls to bed and eat a ton.

When I moved to Arizona, I was still bitter. All I had to sacrifice for Ryan, and I started cooking insane recipes, then eating a normal portion, and when Ryan went to bed would eat my seconds and more often 3rds then. I ate so much, I think I am actually surprised I only weigh 256.

I have a lot more to say about this and to tell, but I am ready to change and start over again. I also want this to be a learning tool, that I can NEVER EVER GO BACK. It will be like smoking again. I have 2 choices
1. Be fat.
2. Work my ass off to lose the weight, and work even harder to maintain, and feel good.

I am still beating myself up right now, but I am pretty sure I chose 2 =)