Scared to run outside

Today I am going to force myself to run outside. I have avoided it at all costs, even to the point of picking fights with my husband so I did not have to go run outside. I can run for hours(okay 1 hour) on the treadmill. I seriously go into a panic thinking about running outdoors.

I am not sure what the block is, but I have some thoeries.

1. If I run outside EVERYONE can see me, at the gym only the people there can see me run. Bonus is I work out at the YMCA, so most people are in the same shape I am in, not super buff people. Infact on the treadmill today I worked out next to a 70+ woman on one side, and an 82 year old man(he told me) on the other.

2. I am not secure in how I look running, I am afriad people will drive by and laugh at the fat girl trying to run.

3. Bra, I have huge boobs, like 38 G cup, no matter the bra I buy there is still some major bouncing that I once again don't mind the few people at the gym seeing but to open that to the public freaks me out.

It all comes down to my insecurities. Walking I would have no issue with, but running freaks me out. So today I am going to run to my meeting...

Hockey game, 3 beers and a pizza

My husband is a huge sports fan, he is a fan of every sport out there, not just to watch but to play it as well. So me being a nice wife, went out and bought us both tickets to the Buffalo Sabers playoff game. It was great we had a much needed date night, on Thursday. I was good all day waiting for this night, we went out to eat and I ordered the small veggie pizza, and beer.

I did not track what I ate, but I do not think I did too bad but I am playing the "hope game" for my weigh in on Tuesday.

Running is going well. Today I ran on the treadmill covering up all the info and went purely on instinct and what felt comfortable, and I ran faster than ever before I did my 5 k in 34 minutes. I love running in intervals though, I do 4 min. run and 1 min walk. I am sure I could run it all, but I think that 1 minute makes me feel like I am taking a break. I think that is what I will do for the half marathon. I actually run faster over all with intervals, and I can go farther.

I am back on track for the rest of the week, lots of water and lots of eating well. I think I will still post a loss but I don't think it will be 10 pounds HAHA.

Slacker!

I just found this blog last night. She just hit under 150 pounds, and lost over 100 pounds. The thing that spoke to me about her blog is that we started our weight loss journeys, and blogs at the exact same time. It spoke more to me because she started her blog at almost exactly the same weight I was. She was 254, and I was 252. We both lost 50 pounds at almost exactly the same time frame, we both got under 200 the same week.

Then I did something she didn't do...

I told myself that the next 50 would be so much harder to lose, and let my self slack. She has just lost another 50 pounds and is under 150 pounds, me I lost 20.

I realised she never told herself that it was going to be too hard to lose another 50 pounds in 4 months, so she kept going strong, and she kept seeing great losses. She never gave herself permission to go off plan because people told her how great she looked(oh and she does!!) so kept on losing. She never had to work extra hard one week to lose the weight she gained the previous week, because she never let herself lose sight of the final goal. I did all of those things, and that is why I have only lost 20 pounds in 4 months and she is at my goal!

This motivates me to want to keep going, because if she can I can too. I just wish I found her sooner because maybe it would have helped, but then maybe I would have excuses....I am good at those!

If I was on the Biggest loser...I would have won this week!

10.2 pounds...Holy crap!! I new it was going to be decent, but I thought I would lose, 6-8 pounds not all of it plus some. So that puts me at a new low!!! I have officially lost exactly 69 pounds.

In other news thanks to Katie J, and the blog she sent me too, I have some things to think about. I still really want to look my best, and I still have time. I now know what to ask and a little more of what to expect if and when I get a tuck done.

In sad news my parents beagle, the one I picked out my senior year of high school, is dieing. She has cancer and they do not expect her to make it through the summer. I am really sad about this, she is the sweetest funny beagle ever, so in her honor and something that has nothing to do with weight loss I am going to tell a funny Rosie story.

Now I am sure you have all heard beagles are natural born hunters, they have hunting instinct. Well we thought Rosie missed that message, because she never tried to hunt anything. Until one day...My dad loves to take Rosie for walks through the State Park camp ground in the winter, and one day the get out of the car and Rosie immediately goes on point. She smells the air, and start baying like only a beagle can, and then takes off. My dad start chasing after her(swearing I am sure the entire time), it is winter so no one is really camping and my dad follows her tracks, until he comes across what she "hunted".....It was a Boy scout group cooking bacon!

GRRRRRRRRRRR

I have lost 70 pounds, and I look in the mirror and still see my stomach. My HUGE stomach. It seems I have lost 70 pounds everywhere but my stomach. I can fit in size 10 jeans, but a dress I need a size 16.

It came to a boiling point today when I went shopping for a T shirt. We are going to a Buffalo Sabers playoff game on Thursday, and needed a couple new shirts. Ryan and I went to the store I grabbed some women slightly fitted shirts in both large and extra large. The larges were a joke, and the extra large I came out and asked Ryan what he thought, he just shrugged...and knowing my husband I knew what that meant. From Ry it means "I have seen you look worse, but its not great."

We left and I had to buy ANOTHER men's t-shirt. I did it in tears, I am so sick of this huge stomach. I actually spent time researching a tummy tuck. I know I still have fat on my stomach but 50% of what bothers me is loose skin. I have fat for years and this is different. With pants I can even tell the difference between the fat and loose skin, my pants all have rolls hanging over them because of skin, I am not stuffed into pants too small, because if I go any larger they fall off of me, and the 10's fit everywhere else...legs, hips, and butt.

I am just so mad! I did what I was supposed to, I ate right, and worked out, why do I have to have this gross stomach.

Today I actually called and made an appointment to meet with a plastic surgeon, I made it for September. It will be just after my one year anniversary of when I started my weight loss journey. I figure I should be close to goal, and have a healthy BMI. I am also seeing about a breast reduction, I currently wear a 38 G. Running is killing me I have permanent scars on my shoulder where my bra digs into my shoulder.

So that is my vain self coming through, 2 kids and a massive weight loss is doing havoc on my body. I just want to be happy with that body, I have busted my ass to loose the weight I do not want to be embarrassed about myself ever again.

Funny thing is I never was as embarrassed about my 250 pound body as I am right now, but like Ryan reminded me I had reached a point I just stopped caring too.

work and thoughts

You know if I need a pick me up work is were it is at! I work part time as a server at the Cheesecake Factory, horrible food choices but a great please to make a little extra money for the family and not ever have to worry about a babysitter. Friendly reminder tip your server, we only make 4 dollars an hour.

The funny thing about this part time job is the support about my weight loss from the people I work with is amazing. The first person that noticed my weight loss was one of managers, he was the very first person that noticed and did not know I was trying to lose weight he just notice I was getting smaller, in fact now he refers me to "slim." People are always giving me compliments, and telling me how great I look. It seriously helps me stay motivated. One person told me I looked like a went on the biggest loser.

I realised through all of this, all these people at work want to see me succeed. They are all rooting for me. And they are having fun watching me shrink before there very eyes.

I also thought about how rare it is for someone to start and lose a large amount of weight. I have bigger friends who yes of lost weight but never all they needed, but I only know one friend who lost 50+ pounds and kept it off. This is something that is hard, it takes a life long commitment, and when you start this there are times your old life style rears its ugly head(hello 10 pounds), but today I realised I like being the person that can accomplish something HUGE (no pun intended).

So for all of you (and me) on this journey know we are working toward something that most people never even start, and few ever carry on. So I am not going to let the small things get me down, I am going to keep on working because the thinner Katie is emerging as some one who is not only healthier and thinner, but also stronger.

I just hope everyone has the support system I have, my parents my friends my co worker and obviously blogger world have helped me...so Thanks!

Day 3 of eating right! Goals set.

Things are going good, I have managed to stay away from everything bad. Surprising the the large weight gain has motivated me to stay true to me goal.

I was thinking about goals and my goal to lose 100 in 1 year means I have 40 pounds to lose in 5 months. My concern is that may not be the most feasible, so my new goal is to be a healthy BMI by August 11th. That would mean I have 30 pounds to lose, little more realistic. I have to really stick to it and work hard though. I could have easily been in the 170's if I had not slacked so much these last 3 months.

Goals...
1. Be 170 on Sophie's 1st Birthday. I was 270 when I delivered her, so techincally that will be losing 100 pounds in a year=)

2. Run 3 days a week 3-7 miles, run it all as well no slacking.

3. Eat my points the right way, I have less now than ever before, so if I want to not always be hungry I have to eat them right. So that means more veggies, fruit, and not using points to eat crap procesed foods.

4. Drink my water, this is something I really got away from the last few months. I was doing great with water, then I sort of stopped and went back to my diet coke addiction. Now I need to restart the water and have my Diet coke as a special thing not as 90% of the liquid I get.

5. MOVE MORE EAT LESS! just had to state the obvious goal.

6. Be a helathy BMI (160) on my start date anniversary...August 11th.

Blah blah the fall happened

So I never thought I would be one of THOSE people you know the one that gains....well I did almost 10 pounds since my surgery.

no excuses, just going to focus on tracking, and training.

This week I am trying the no sugar...its easy for me to say that now because after my weigh in and my plan for tomorrow I did what I also said I would never do and ate more easter candy. I am on a sugar high, so it is always easy to say no more sugar this week. It is the same as saying I will never smoke again after just finishing a ciggerette. It is all the best of intentions UNTIL the cravings hit.

So here it goes...