Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I opened THE box

Well if I needed motivation to get me through thanksgiving. Or if I needed a slap in the face to remind me how far I still have to go, I found it. I opened THE box. The one full of clothes I wore at 21. I am not sure what I was thinking but I tried some of it on. WOW I still have a good 25-30 pounds before I think I even want to look in that box again. It was a rude awakening, that yes I have come far, but I am not even close to my goal. And even when those clothes fit it will still be a ways off.

I am excited and happy with myself for 50 pounds, pretty much every clothing I have from the past 8 years now all fits. Any farther back is in this box, and this box makes me angry and disgusted with myself. I realize how out of control, how bad, and how delusional I was. I just want to scream. For the past 4 years I have lived the life I have always wanted, I have an amazing husband, he is gorgeous, funny, smart just about everything I could ask for. I have the 2 greatest adorable children. I am happy, and yet I ate I let myself go, to the point my husband didn't find me attractive, I couldn't play and be involved in my kids life. The clothes I just went through reminded me of all that. The box of clothes that do not fit yet and won't for a month or 3, remind me how many chances I had to lose the weight and turned my back and convinced myself I wasn't that bad.

That box of clothes is all 8 to 10 years old, stuff I will more than likely never wear again in my life even when I get that small. But it just reminds me how at one point I was a simple 25 pounds away from my goal. I was so close and I didn't take it. So I am going to keep that box, and not only will it all fit me again, but I will be forced to eventually give it away because it is all too big. It still hurts to know how bad I let myself get out of control.

I will be forever grateful to my dad, who gave me my life....twice! Because of him I actually looked in the mirror and saw myself for what I had become. And because of him(and my mom) I was able to go to that first weight watchers meeting. And because of him I knew that I could do it, because if he did it so can I. And because of him(mom again too) I have a continuous support system.

But dad why couldn't you lose all your weight when i was 200? not 252...then I would have had such an easier time....jeesh=P


Anonymous said...

Long time lurker - first time comment. Congratulations on the 50 pound loss.
What really resonated with me in your post today was how it hurts to know that your husband didn't find you attractive when you were heavier. I'm currently 218 with my youngest child being almost 2 and I can relate. In my case I know my husband loves me but is not as attracted to me as he could be if i was thinner. Not because he's mean or doesn't love me - it's just a fact. But it's still something that hurts. I think that's something that alot of us on this journey to health can relate to.

Learning to be Less said...

Girl you are rockin'! 50 pounds is awesome!!!! Just let those clothes be a measure of progress. You will feel so great the next time you put them on.

So proud of you!

athinnerkatie said...

Annon, thanks for commenting, You are so right about that. I never questioned my husbands love even when I was 252, but it was a fact he wasn't attracted to me and I couldn't blame him. I was not the girl her met, nor was I the same one he married.

It hurt like hell to realise that but it was the truth.