Today was the same ole, eating, work out and work. Ryan took the girls to his parents house so I was home alone, I was so good it was scary. I really really am hoping that my screw up a few days ago does not cause me to gain. I shouldn't I am still under in points. But the scale at the YMCA isn't being too friendly.
The past few days I have been thinking about how I used to fool myself, I never have looked in the mirror and saw someone fat when I weighed 251, I thought looked the same as when I moved here at 195. Now that I let myself be in pictures(the mirror can lie, pictures can't) I see myself for what I really am, and now I am disgusted. . Funny that at 251 I was more confident than I am now at 213. I am now more aware that I am the fat one at work, that at the gym I look ridiculous trying to run on the treadmill, and in spinning class I am at least 50 pounds heavier than every person there, I am so very aware that I weigh 33 pounds more than my husband. All these things I would ignore, now 38 pounds lighter they bug me to no end.
I just hate so much right now, I hate that I crave foods, that sometimes I eat and eat and eat, past the point of full, I hate that I do not look like the woman my husband deserves. I hate that at work when people ask a table of mine "who is your server?" people say "oh I forgot her name she is the bigger girl." I am feeling so down about so much, after a great weigh in last week, I should be doing great, but instead I feel blah.
I want to see myself as someone in good shape, but just when I feel like I am getting there I catch a photo of myself, and want to cry. I have done so good 38 pounds that is awesome, but yet I have at least 62 pounds more to lose.
I guess the whole point of all this, is that at 250 I stopped caring, I could ignore it, I was fat who cares. Now after 10 weeks of hard work and 38 pounds lost I feel like I am still fat, I am still out of shape and no one even notices. At least at 250 I was enjoying tons of yummy foods, at 213 I eat healthy, and watch everything. I have no idea if this even makes sense to anyone.
Oh but I will say a comment left by Nay did make my day, I right this blog so I can stay accountable, so that people I know and don't know can read about my success and times I fail. I did it for me I never thought that I would inspire someone, and thanks Nay for saying that. This week has been tough for me, and its nice to know that I did something right. Hopefully soon I will run 8 min with you. I have 2 more times of 5 min runs, next it will be 6 min runs.