Saturday, October 17, 2009

Same ole same ole...

Today was the same ole, eating, work out and work. Ryan took the girls to his parents house so I was home alone, I was so good it was scary. I really really am hoping that my screw up a few days ago does not cause me to gain. I shouldn't I am still under in points. But the scale at the YMCA isn't being too friendly.

The past few days I have been thinking about how I used to fool myself, I never have looked in the mirror and saw someone fat when I weighed 251, I thought looked the same as when I moved here at 195. Now that I let myself be in pictures(the mirror can lie, pictures can't) I see myself for what I really am, and now I am disgusted. . Funny that at 251 I was more confident than I am now at 213. I am now more aware that I am the fat one at work, that at the gym I look ridiculous trying to run on the treadmill, and in spinning class I am at least 50 pounds heavier than every person there, I am so very aware that I weigh 33 pounds more than my husband. All these things I would ignore, now 38 pounds lighter they bug me to no end.

I just hate so much right now, I hate that I crave foods, that sometimes I eat and eat and eat, past the point of full, I hate that I do not look like the woman my husband deserves. I hate that at work when people ask a table of mine "who is your server?" people say "oh I forgot her name she is the bigger girl." I am feeling so down about so much, after a great weigh in last week, I should be doing great, but instead I feel blah.

I want to see myself as someone in good shape, but just when I feel like I am getting there I catch a photo of myself, and want to cry. I have done so good 38 pounds that is awesome, but yet I have at least 62 pounds more to lose.

I guess the whole point of all this, is that at 250 I stopped caring, I could ignore it, I was fat who cares. Now after 10 weeks of hard work and 38 pounds lost I feel like I am still fat, I am still out of shape and no one even notices. At least at 250 I was enjoying tons of yummy foods, at 213 I eat healthy, and watch everything. I have no idea if this even makes sense to anyone.

Oh but I will say a comment left by Nay did make my day, I right this blog so I can stay accountable, so that people I know and don't know can read about my success and times I fail. I did it for me I never thought that I would inspire someone, and thanks Nay for saying that. This week has been tough for me, and its nice to know that I did something right. Hopefully soon I will run 8 min with you. I have 2 more times of 5 min runs, next it will be 6 min runs.


Jenn said...

Katie, we all get these feelings sometimes. You have to make a conscious decision to stop focusing on the negative stuff. Keep reminding yourself of all you've accomplished, and how well you are doing! "Fake it til you make it!" If you keep reminding yourself of the good stuff, you'll eventually feel good about yourself and how far you've come.

Anonymous said...

i'm attempting to lose the "last 10 pounds" i need to lose to get my BMI to the healthy numbers(apparently i'm still considered to be in the 'overweight' range) and it's so tough! i actually bought a diet journal to write everything down...i can tell you it really makes a difference when you write down what you're eating. i dont know if youve been doing it with WW, but i would suggest to try it...i found that if i write down what i'm eating for the day in the morning i tend not to stray from the plan just because i dont want to have to go write it in and change numbers and crap. just thought i would share that!

athinnerkatie said...

Yeah the entire thing with weight watchers is I track track track. It is all broke down into points though not calories. I have to have that to stay accountable.