The Y, baby, and Ryan made dinner.

okay so I couldn't put off joining the YMCA, my friend Gretchen signed my kids up for the play room during spin class, so I couldn't back out now. So I went in today and start tomorrow, I am excited I want to really get that working out groove going. I have been slacking with my walks since work started, and I want to not only lose weight but, be fit and trim as well. I also met with a personal trainer to set up a work out to focus on both weight loss and training for the triathlon.

I also want all of blogger world know one of my best friends had her baby today, she didn't find out the sex so it was a surprise, she already has 2 gorgeous girls, and was sure she would soon have 3 girls. But....she was wrong she had a beautiful baby boy named Owen, he has a head full of jet black thick hair. I know my baby is only 3 months old but wow it is something to hold a brand new baby, I am a little sad that I will never hold my own brand new baby again. But not THAT sad.

And so Ryan made dinner, it seemed so wonderfully weight watcher friendly, till I asked "how much olive oil is in this?" the answer brought me to tears, half a cup+ 2 tablespoons! Of course I found this out after I had a small second helping.

Oh and I am resisting the urge to binge, okay this is personal but I feel my husband is not behind the weight loss as much as I would like. I have lost 30 pounds in 8 weeks and he doesn't even so much as give me a hug, kiss even a thumbs up. When I was picking out a gym he was the one that was telling me I could not go to the Y it was to much and when I was trying to figure out a way we could afford it, he got pissed and said " whatever you want" but he said it not meaning it. When I got home today and told him I joined the Y officially, he didn't talk to me the rest of the night. I made an appointment so he could go check it out (they gave a us a free week pass) and scheduled child care for him, he was angry about that. Said "maybe I have plans" and that he wants to work out when he feels like it not have it planned.

I also don't spend lots of money, my mom taught me to NEVER pay full price for anything. Still to this day the idea of buying something not on sale gives me anxiety. My wardrobe consists of solid color t-shirts and khaki pants, 2 things that don't have high price tags. The last time I got my hair cut was at Christmas and my parents paid for it. So I just get upset that when I want to join a gym to lose weight, he gets pissed off.

I love my husband he is gorgeous, has been a size 34 pants his entire adult life, weighs 180, forty pounds less than me. I am doing this so I can be someone he would be proud of. He didn't go to his 10 year class reunion 3 years ago, and I am sure that if I was a hot skinny girl he probably would have gone. I just hate that he is part of the reason I want to slim down, and its like he could care less. The person I want behind me the most on this journey is acting like he wants me to fail.

So I feel bad about this and all I want to do is raid the fridge, I am not, but the feeling is there. I am sorry if you had to read this long whine about everything, but I really needed to get all this off my chest. I am 90% of the time an upbeat happy person, but when I get down I really really get down, and my pity party in the past always included a huge amount of food, this time it includes writing it out.

down again! yay

Quick post, with the baby in my lap. I work today, so I went in for my weigh in and meeting today at 10 am. Good news is I lost again down another 2.6 so I am at 221! Bad news I was hoping to be under 220, oh well I will keep that point for one more week.

Today's meeting was NOT for me, I think the next youngest person there was still double my age. Most were ladies in there 70's, four of them walked with canes, one lady kept saying to the leader "what, I forgot my hearing aid, speak up," I think she said that 6 times. So I sat in the back with Riley and Sophie, and didn't even get my 5 lb sticker, I will get it next week with the leader I love.

I did get another 10% key chain, mine broke when I went to put the 25 pound charm on it, so they gave me a replacement.

Oh and with the advice of everyone, my brother, my parents and even jack sh*t, I am choosing to go to the YMCA, I know I mentioned that before but tomorrow, I am going in, I filled out the paper work. I just have to work today and make at least 75 dollars, so if you are in the Buffalo area and want to help, come to the cheesecake factory ask for me and leave a HUGE tip=)

Time to earn my 10 extra WW points=)

Long day today!

I am way way under my points for the day! But I couldn't help it. I went to a play date with Riley and a new friend I met at Barnes and Noble story time. While there Riley suddenly started walking funny, she would take a few steps and then her leg would completely collapse from underneath her. She kept doing it over and over, she was not crying but it just didn't seem right. So I came home called her doctor and talked to a nurse, the nurse said bring her straight to Children's Hospital, so my mother in law came over to watch Sophie, and off the the ER Riley and I went. My husband met us there soon after. We did get in a room fairly quickly so that was nice we had a T.V. so Riley could watch cartoons. We were there for 4 hours, got x-rays, met with a doctor and turns out everything is fine with her. So thank goodness for that!

But as far aw food went, I ate and apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter for breakfast. I smart ones and 100 calorie hostess treat for lunch....and then nothing till I got home. And because I absolutely 100% did not want to eat out, and Ryan is meeting up with friends for Monday night Football, I just made 2 veggie burgers with salsa and on Arnold's thins. So I have used 19.5 points! so that leaves 18.5 still available I am currently enjoying a yogurt, but I am not going to eat just for the sake of eating.

So that was my day.....

So long 18's!!

So my 18's are HUGE completely un wearable. It means they have to be retired for good, now making those 16's gone as well.

Today I was so good, I had to be after my little splurge last night. I ate a 1 egg and 2 egg white omelet, with fat free cheese, onions and green peppers for breakfast. For lunch I was at work so I brought an apple, fiber one bar and before I left had a pita and hummus. For dinner my husband was supposed to make dinner but didn't=( So we went to Fridays grrr I hate going out, I used to love it but now I hate it for multiple reasons....

1. We just ordered pizza yesterday.
2. Going to a sit down restaurant with a 2 year old and a baby is horrible, and the entire time is spent trying to keep the 2 year old from throwing crayons, saying hi to everyone around, making her sit on the bench not the floor, so not relaxing.
3. It is expensive even with 5 dollar sandwich's. I can not eat those so my dinner is more!
4. I hate paying 2.59 for a drink, when a I can buy a bottle for 99 cents.


okay so those are just a few reasons off the top of my head. But I was good and ordered the Dragon fire chicken, it is 9 points of semi okay food. I like it but its not something I crave or want to pay 8.49 for. But I did it because Ryan was tired after a day watching the kids and hadn't pulled anything for dinner. So we ate out anyways and it was so-so I guess it was better than me having to cook.

So I still have 11 points left for the day but I am not hungry so I am just going to leave it alone. Just in case the pizza, yesterday was more that I estimated. I was thinking the irony is that if I was not a nursing mother, these would be all the points I would get. I am nursing Sophie till she leaves for college!

PIZZA!!

So I have been doing this for 7+ weeks and today I really splurged but within my points value. Ryan was coming home today he was gone for a golf outing for the past couple of days, and I was supposed to work. But I was on the patio and it was all of 62 outside and serious rain threats, so I did not have to go in. I was anticipating this, so I pulled out nothing for dinner. Ate an apple and Fiber bar for breakfast (3 points), a salad loaded with free veggies and fat free dressing, a Lean cuisine that only had 3 points, and surprisingly very good(4 points for lunch), another apple (1 point), and baked chips that I counted out to be exactly 1 serving, and salsa(2 points). So if you are counting I ate 10 points, so when Ryan came home I already knew what I really wanted. Because I am a nursing mom and fat still I have 38 daily points, so that left 28 for dinner. I wanted Pizza!

Not just any pizza, Bocce pizza, it is my favorite kind. Now Ryan picked, the Bocce special which is actually not horrible, sweet peppers, onions, mushrooms and peperoni. This time instead of ordering the whole pizza and eating 4 slices, we ordered the half. I ate 2 pieces, and was pretty full, I did eat 1 piece of garlic bread that wasn't that great, and wish I could uneat!. But the pizza was worth it. I don't plan on making this a daily, or even a weekly occurrence, but it is nice to know I can eat a normal amount of pizza. That I am able to plan, work it in and that feels nice.

So that was my food day. I forgot to mention the bike trailer/jogger my parents got for me came. Tomorrow I want to put it together, but unfortunately there is rain for the next 4 days, but I figure the minute I can I am going to attach it to a bike and ride Riley somewhere....not sure where but somewhere fun.

And I do think the YMCA will be my choice the more I think about it, the more it makes sense with the kids I need the day care or I will find excuses to not go.

Apple Picking fun!

First picture does not let me hold any illusions, I still am in dire need of more weight loss, thank goodness the baby is covering most of it. The picture of me an Riley alone is not so bad, it means that I am not SO fat that I can't hide it ever because I think I almost look good in that one. The other 2 pictures I just thought were cute. The other woman is my mother in law, she came with us and the darling she is, she bought all the apples. We had a ton of fun it was a perfect day fall day for it, sunny and 68.

Oh and I did binge today I have eaten 3 apples already...and I think I might eat another before the day is done=) Mmmm fresh apples are amazing.

One more thing the coat I am wearing....it fits, it is also a normal womans size not a plus. That coat has not fit for 3 years, and not only does it fit, I can zip it up past my chest without issue. I bought it a few years ago I remember it being a little tight then.

9 dollars!

Quick post to say I am fitting in pants for the first time in 3 years, when I put one pair on I found 9 dollars!!

Off apple picking with the kids.

Turkey Trot!

Okay so my friend Gretchen is in! Nay you know you want to! DO IT! Liz, Rachel, common commit it will be fun, anyone else in?? The more the people the more we can all push to do it, it will be fun, if my fat ass can do it I know all you skinny b*tches can=)

Okay so I am feeling good I went "shopping" and I found a ton of clothes that fit or almost fit. I am even wearing a shirt that looks a little big. Woohoo it really working, even with only a 1.4 weight loss this week its really really working!

So now I want a few opinions, if you know Ryan and I you know that we struggle to makes ends meet, we do it but its still not easy. The only way I can really afford to pay for Weight watchers is because my parents pay for it(have I mentioned recently how great they are? I know my mom reads my blog but still needs to be said! Funny as a teen I wanted nothing to do with my mom and we would fight over everything now, she and my sister are the first 2 I call about anything). But anyways so back to what I was talking about. I have 2 options on gyms.

1. YMCA It is 51.75 a month. It is close to me so I can walk/ride with the kids for a little extra exercise. They have childcare, so I never have an excuse to miss a spinning class, or to even work out! The 51.75 buys membership for the entire family, so when Riley is 3 there is so much she can do. They have swimming for both girls, parties. They even have childcare from 4-7 so my husband can go work out and take the girls. Okay so the bad....it is a ton of money for us. We come out ahead each month, but it is always close, this will bring that even closer to the edge. So I will have to work an extra shift, an extra shift is not something I look forward to.

2. UB's gym. It is only 189 for the entire year! If I didn't have children I would hands down choose this option. the facilities are 1000 times better than the Y. The pool is huge, class options seem infinite. Again it is close so I can ride my bike, but alone. The cost is something we can afford. The bad is i can only go when I have someone to watch the kids, So when Ryan comes home or I can get Sherry to drive here. I think she would do it but I would feel bad having her drive to my house 2-3 times a week so I can go work out. Then I would also feel bad having Ryan taking over after his long days at work.

So those are the 2 options I am debating about. They both have 1 thing that appeals to me, the YMCA, had childcare and UB has an inexpencive price tag, what is most important. I am worried thogh if I don't choose the YMCA I will keep finding excuses to not work out. But then I am worried if I join the YMCA it will too much when i do have to start paying for Weight Watchers....I mean when that happens I am looking at paying 90 dollars a month to stay on track.

Well that is all at this point I am not rushing myself I have a bike here, and I also have my legs so I can keep walking and riding, but Buffalo gets cold quick so who knows how long I can keep putting joining a gym off.

Whew...

I did get to weigh in today, and because the computers were down yesterday I was able to pretend what was seen last night never happened. I lost 1.4 pounds. Okay so I am not thrilled with that loss but it is down, and a million times better than up .2.

I am still planning to do all the things I said I would when I thought I had gained but just now a litle happier. To be honest I was a little discourged with the weight gain, I did not excersise as much as I should but I never eat those points and i also never eat my flex. I did "cheat" on my husbands birthday, but even my cheat meal was healthy, and the cake not bad. The only thing I can figure is the beer hurt me worse than I thought. I am still going to focus on more fruits and veggies, and less fiber on bars and ice cream treats.

And something happened last week, I hurt my foot. I can still move around on it but long walks are hard, long walks + work have been near impossible, so I did slack a little this on walking, I only took 2 long walkes about 4 miles each, and 1 bike ride, a total there of 4 miles. So the YMCA will be nice to start up, I don't have to depend on Ryan to watch the kids while I work out, and if my foot flares up I can swim or bike on the stationary bike.

So today I did good with food, I ate my yogurt, banana, and 1/4 cup of gronola for breakfast. I had a Turkey sandwhich and a pear for lunch, and for dinner I made a chicken and veggie stir fry with brown rice. Today is a good start on my regroup weight loss.

Please Please be wrong!

Start with the good today.
Today I had my reward gift to myself. I got a pedicure, I have only had 2 before one when I got married, and another when I was 9 months pregnant with Sophie. I told myself when I reached 10% lost I would get another one.

First of all my parents got me a trailer for a bike, that can also double as a jogging stroller. It is Sophie's Christmas present, they are really truly with me on this it is a great feeling. They are paying for my first 2 months of weight watchers(what actually means 3 months because you get 1 free), my running shoes, and now the jogger/trailer. I can't say it enough I have the best parents.

So that is why I am hoping what i saw today is not so...I went to my weigh in early because I might work tomorrow. I went in after i cooked and ate a huge meal, I was also in jeans, blah blah I am making excuses...the thing is I gained this week I think .2 pounds. Yes point 2 but I have been doing so well, working so hard that it might as well be 20 pounds. So I hope I can walk tomorrow to the weigh in and maybe act as if I never did this and see a small weight loss tomorrow.

So my reaction, I am depressed, sad, I was feeling so good about myself today when I was pulling my jeans up and down without unbuttoning them, and now this. So what am I going to do? I figure I have 3 options....

1. Go buy 40 dollars worth of bad food eat it all right now while my husband is out with friends.

2. Keep going the way I have, hope its a fluke and make no changes.

3. Join the YMCA tomorrow, focus on really tracking, measuring, and eating more fruits and veggies and less fiber 1 bars.

I am choosing option 3! I think I am at a point where its really going to take work to lose more. I have been having fun losing so much so fast, but I knew it wouldn't last, I hoped it would keep going but that was a hope, and I am not hoping on this journey I am working it. I have my parents, my husband, my friends, and blogger world all rooting for me, I am not going to let this set back beat me, I am just going to work hard to make sure it never happens again.

So I am sorry to all that I have let down, but most of all I feel I let down myself. So this week my focus will be on joining the YMCA, working out more than I did this week. Also I will buy a food scale, I have been losing so much each week I kept putting it off, now I think I have too. I will work on my portion control. I will incorporate more fruits and veggies into my meals and snacks. I am also going to stop late night snacking, after 9 pm if I have left over points too bad, they are gone to me.

So that's that....sorry to all rooting for me I don't seem to have good news this week=(

Thanks Ryan!

He made the healthy Weight watcher friendly meal today....Portabella mushroom lasagna. It was very good, not quite my meat, sausage, 16 oz of mozzarella, cottage cheese and a cup of parm, but his was very good, and I don't feel my heart stopping right now either.

Today was a good day at work, I did not grab any bread, only 1 french fry and honestly it was a reflex, I stopped all other reflexes. I also brought a fiber one bar that I ate half way through my shift instead of mindless snacking I usually do.

So other than i worked all weekend, have an amazing husband who cooks for me, and i am getting better at controlling the food, it has been a pretty normal day.

Cream of chicken and artichoke soup...Mmmmm

But no I did not eat any. At Cheesecake Factory they let servers eat all the bread and soup we can stuff ourselves with. Saturday is by far the best soup of the week, Cream of chicken with artichokes, The problem is you can see butter on the top, and they use heavy cream, I am thinking one cup is easily 15 points. Today I faced it down and did not eat any. I also was food running, which means I just spent 6 hours taking food out of the window, running it to a table walking back to repeat over and over. So I am pretty sure I earned a few activity points, but they don't have food running as an activity on the tracker.

So I think I am controlling food, it is not controlling me, and that feels good. But I was reading jack sh*t's blog about gaining it back.....and it got me thinking. I am not getting over confident because I still have a long long way to go on my journey, and when I do get to the end, learning the balance to maintain will be next thing I have to learn. So do i think I will put the weight back on, well I have before...but then I have never looked at changing my life like I look at it now. I want my girls to learn to enjoy and eat healthy from me, for treats to truly be a sometimes treat, not have brownies 4 times a week. I want them to eat a salad, or veggies with every dinner. I want when they want a snack for it to be normal to grab a piece of fruit, not a bag of chips. The only way I can do this is to do all of these things myself. I know that and so yes I have failed in the past, but for the fist time its not just me this is for, its for the health of my family too.

My "cheat" day yesterday.

Today is my husband's birthday, yesterday was my day of celebration for him. We invited his parents over for dinner and cake, I also figured I would not count my points for dinner. I was good for the day, a banana, pear, yogurt, hummus and pita bread, and a fiber 1 bar, was the extent of my food for the day till dinner.

I made fajitas, bought the tortillas with the least amount of points, did not use cheese. I did eat some chips and guacamole but I counted the chips and 1 and 1/2 servings. For the cake I made my diet Sprite cupcakes, everyone else had frosting, me I had mine with fat free whip cream, and lite strawberry ice cream. It was so good, the cake takes a pound cake type feel, I am thinking my next dessert I have to make will be strawberry short cakes.

So I ate very well, not counting the 4 beers I drank, not that I am an alcoholic I had my first at 5, my last at 12. But still I drank 10 points away=( When I had the party munchies I ate another pear.

So did I go over in points?...maybe. Do I feel I fell off the wagon?...absolutely not. I think I found a new balance I never had before, the balance of enjoying food, dessert, and drinking without overdoing it.

Tonight I have to work and Ryan is going to his parents for dinner, they are have cheesy chicken enchilada, Texas sheet cake with sour cream frosting, things I won't see, or be tempted by. IT may be fattier and the cake a little better, but I prefer the feeling that I have right now to the feeling I would have after eating all that crap. Though my mother in law did say she would send me a small piece of each, I told her "no, NO, NONONO." I hate that she thinks because I lost some weight now I can eat whatever, I lover her but grrrrr.

I don't know what is worse my mom who if she had her way would put me in a fat camp where I would eat nothing but veggies, and exercise not stop. Or Ryan's mom who tries to feed me 24/7 and all of it is bad for me, candy, cookies, donuts, chips, pizza, McDonalds, deep fried burrito (yes she has offered all these since I started weight watchers). Both do it out of love, and both can drive me crazy.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda...

I am feeling chatty this morning so forgive me, but something I said in my last post really got me thinking. I said I wished I would have started this journey when I weighed 200 pounds. Laura an online friend is starting hers at that point. If i could go back in time and do it all over again there are so many times I should have started this.

I started thinking back, about how when I graduated high school I was slightly overweight, not fat just a solid 10-12, if I would have just paid better attention to myself then, I could have dropped 25 pounds and been a nice 6-8 and kept at it and kept a healthy life style.

Then I went into AmeriCorps, I had all the tools then to lose weight. We could use the gym at the Air Force base, we made all our meals, I had people around me that were healthy eaters/ vegetarians, if I would have just started then 30-35 pounds I could have lost it in the 10 months and started a healthy lifestyle then.

When I was in college and living at my parents cottage on the lake. It was perfect exercise right outside my door, swimming, running, state parks for wonderful walks. Ski trails for Cross country skiing in the winter. It would have been a perfect time to lose the weight and start a healthy life style if only I woulda lost 40 pounds then.

Oh but then I started partying and lived with my friend Kris, she helped me stay in check and we would go exercise(dance at clubs)at least 3 nights a week, and our meals were mainly liquid, I lost 25 pounds! But then I grew up a little and instead of taking that bad weigh loss and running with it and turning my life around, I coulda just lost 15 more pounds the right way and had a healthy lifestyle then.

Okay so I moved in with my ex, It was great we lived in an apartment complex with its own gym, and pool. I shoulda lost weight then but no, I gained and gained. If I would have just caught myself early I coulda lost the weight the weight not gained and had 50 pounds to lose.

Then we broke up and I was in a bad relationship, not much detail but it was unhealthy and I matched that unhealthy bad time in my life with food, lots and lots of food. I put on a ton then. Then that guy was out of my life YAY, time to turn it around and lose weight, and I actually did, then I met the best thing to me, Ryan.

He is fit, healthy and perfect, what did I do. We ate out all the time, and when I would cook it was unhealthy and we both ate, and we both gained. When Ryan realized he gained 25 pounds what did he do, he lost it, ate healthy, worked out, and was back to normal in 2 months, what did I do? Talk....talk about how I was going to diet, work out, and all that junk, plan days when I would start, but never did.

Then at 220 I got pregnant with Riley, so now I shoulda ate healthy, for that pregnancy focus on not gaining too much weight, but I didn't I ate whatever I want and I ate huge amounts. So then I was 260 giving birth, lost 20 pounds. I did diet for a month and lost 10 more pounds but I shoulda kept going but didn't, and I gainedthe 10 pouns back. If only I woulda paid attention then I coulda been a healthy weight when I got pregnant again.

So when I got pregnant with Sophie I was 240. I did watch myself a little more this time. I "only" gained 30 pounds this time around. Six weeks after birth I lost 20 pounds and started my journey at 251. Oh how I wish I woulda, coulda, shoulda started before.

my next post I will write about why I am bound and determined to win this time, also what my aha moment was. But I do want my readers to tell tell me one of 3 things....

1. If you have lost weight or are working on it, what was you wake up call or "aha" moment?

2. If you never have had to lose a huge amount, what do you do to stay healthy? also please tell me what is your way of staying healthy when temptation faces you?

3. If you feel the need to start a journey like mine what is holding you back from starting today?

Please share with me, you can post anonymous if you want.

Never drink and blog!

wow I just read what I wrote last night, sorry about that. I only had 1 beer and one small glass of wine, but I haven't drank in almost a year so both went straight to my head. The whole mor weight makes it harder to get drunk is so not true with me. Also I ate another snack last night so I went 2 points over. I am staying away from drinking!

Hope everyone has a wonderful day, I have a 4 mile walk , and another weight watcher recipe planned for tonight. I will blog later after the kiddos are in bed.

Oh I do want to give a shout out to Laura she is joining the weight loss blogging world....
mondaystarts.blogspot.com. She is starting this journey where I wish I would have, around 200 pounds, and she has a my dream kitchen(check her before pictures that kitchen is amazing!).

Telling everyone and their grandma!

So today at work I told everyone about my weight loss goals. To me its how I can stay accountable, I know that it doesn't work for everyone, but for me it will keep me from having a bowl of Baked Potato soup, or ordering something horrible like Louisiana Pasta. So everyone can know what i weigh what I want to lose, and how much I already have, my weight is no longer a secret is out there for everyone and anyone. Besides when you fat people can see that, and really its not like saying I weigh any less than I do makes a difference I am still fat.

So today I made a delicious dinner, Salisbury steak. I bought the new weight watcher cook book and so far everything I have made from it is awesome. I am also doing something I never did before, eat dinner before I work. I am hoping it will keep me from snacking on bread, diving in to the soup, or ordering food. So far it works well I keep enough points for when I come home for a nice snack. Today I had some Roasted Red Pepper hummus with a pita bread, a beer(it helps milk supply), a pear, and a weight watcher ice cream bar.

So today I tried on the work pants I blogged about yesterday, I can button, and zip them up, I can't breathe but I actually can get them on! I am in shock actually 2-3 weeks and I think they will fit. I am going to have to hit up Goodwill soon for clothes if I keep going the way that I am. My mom is giving me her 14 and 12's at thanksgiving, but if I keep going the way that I am I may need her to send some to me. My friend Liz gave me some clothes a few years ago, sad thing is they were her fat clothes(I am not saying you were fat Liz!!!) but I am glad because I will need those as transition clothes. If anyone has 14's or 12's they need to get rid of let me know I am cheap and don't want buy any clothes till i get to target weight. okay enough begging=)

Still on my weight loss high!

So the first picture is my bookmark with 5, 5 pound stickers, and the second picture is my 10% key chain! i am just so excited about it, my goal was to reach 10% by Halloween and under 200 by Christmas. So i reached the first and now to work for the second. I also know that these 5 pound loss weeks won't last. That soon I will have to be happy with 2 pounds a week, and that is okay but I am just so happy to be getting rid of the HUGE fat Katie. I can deal with the Katie that has 50 pounds or less to lose, but the one that had 100 pounds was just scary. So 25 more pounds to lose by Christmas I know I can do that!

Oh and on a side note I have "found" 2 new shirts, and I am completely in my goal pants. Now I have a new goal pants. When I first started at the Cheesecake Factory I bought some pants online, I ordered a size 38, they have never fit me. Also when my friend moved to Spain she gave me her old work pants, that I have never been able to fit in. So my next not scale goal is to fit into these pants. Unlike the last goal pants I can't even bring the buttons together so it will be a bit, hopefully by mid October I will fit in them.

1/4

yes I did it!! I lost 5.6 pounds this week!! I lost 10% of my body weight. I also lost 1/4 of the 100 pounds. I am so excited...

Okay that is all for now YAY!!!

/sigh

Work is hard I was munching on bread all day. Today I am going to buy some 1 point snack things to bring to work so I have something much better to snack on. I was good again went 7 points under my daily points allowed, but like I said that does not account for the bread. Also it is harder to work around all that lovely food, I see the things I love, chicken parm sandwich, goodbye breaded fried chicken covered with cheese, goodbye the best chicken salad sandwich and buttered, toasted bread, and lastly good bye Louisiana Chicken pasta I think I will miss you most of all, you fried Parmesan encrusted chicken and creamy spicy sauce, topped with as much parm cheese as I could pour on. I like some of the healthier options they have, but still a part of me cries a little when I see those things.

I really do have a love affair with food, it really feels like I am ending a relationship. One that started well but then turned bad. I will be glad when I am over this "relationship."

Tonight is weigh in day, nothing feels significantly looser so I don't think I will be a big loser this week. I will let you all know later what is up, back to keeping my 2 year old from "loving" her sister too much!

Good today to make up for yesterday!

You know I really love supportive people. I have this friend at work, I briefly mentioned her before we used to share nachos. If you ever saw the nachos at Cheesecake Factory it is a HUGE amount, massive, topped with cheese, sour cream, guacamole, and chicken. Well anyways that is what we would "split" by split I mean she would eat 5 chips and I would eat the rest, easily 2000 calories. Today I told her I want to lose weight and she said split a meal with me, we had the Weight Management Spicy chicken salad, at 490 calories. This time we actually split it as well I feel I really only ate half, and the darling person she is, she started talking about how we could split meals in the future and how she would eat healthy with me. I love this girl, the last thing she has is weight problem, and yet she is there for me listens and supports me without making excuses for me and when I said something about my weight she said the best thing "well your doing something about it now, and that's all that counts." So thanks Janet (if your reading this).

I also have done something I don't think most bloggers do I invited EVERYONE to read my blog, from my mom, to every Facebook friend I have (including a couple ex boyfriends), I have gotten such great support, I love the accountability it gives me. And 2 friends of mine that keep up with my blog and both have lost weight in the past not the weight I have to lose but still they know the struggle and both have been very supportive so thanks Liz and Renee, I appreciate you 2, now just run the turkey trot with me!!!

I want to thank 3 bloggers who have sent supportive messages, and have helped me stay on track, and have given me inspiration

1. Learningtobeless.blogspot.com
2 Jenn at watchmybuttshrink.blogspot.com
3. One lady who has lost the weight and kept it off for 10 years!!! Diane at fittothefinish.com/blog

Also my parents who help me start this journey by encouraging me, and paying for weight watchers, and then when new shoes weren't going to happen soon, they bought me some!

So I have a support system like never before, I have people rooting for me, people I know and love and people that I have never met. I feel empowered, so even after yesterday's mistake, I did not cheat, I stayed on track and I owe that to the people I mentioned and many more that I may have forgotten(like my husband but that is a whole other post!).

So today when I went to Ryan's family bar and they had gooey cheesy lasagna, fried chicken, and assorted delicious desserts for his Grandma's 85th birthday I was able to stick with just a salad. So thank you everyone, I am sure I will need that support many more times in the future.

Okay so here is the truth...

Yesterday I screwed up big time! Friday night I went out to eat, and I had broiled fish and veggie's, no bread, a salad with only veggies and low fat dressing. Then Saturday came, I ended up not working because I was on standby(called in if someone calls off), so Ryan and I thought olive garden sounded great. I looked it up, they had pasta dishes for less than 500 calories, and salad not exactly good for you but still doable seeing I had 27 points left for the day. Well Olive Garden had too long a wait, 2 kids +wait=bad bad bad times! So we went to Chili's, I didn't get long to look at the menu but I had it narrowed down to three choices

1. Fajita Pita, I would change the french fries for veggies.

2. Guiltless Buffalo Chicken Sandwich, again with a veggie side.

3. Quesadilla Explosion salad. I would ask for no tortilla strips, I would not eat the quesadilla, and get the dressing on the side.

So I picked option 3.....Oh was that ever the wrong wrong choice! Now I did not eat some of the stuff but all together this salad has 1260 calories and 76 grams of fat!!!! Even at best I still ate 20-25 points worth of it. So then me being the good girl I am I didn't eat again the rest of the night right?? WRONG!! Okay so I ate fruit or veggies right?? WRONG!! I ate a fiber one bar, a peanut butter one, which I found out is actually 3 points, not 2 like all the other fiber bars! I also ate a 100 calorie ice cream snack. It was a good thing I cleaned out my cupboards of really bad foods because I certainly screwed things last night. It could have been worse but still I am so mad, I thought I had a good grasp on what was healthy, obviously I need to look up things all the time. The other 2 options I was looking at....both under 500 calories.

Okay deep breathe, the day is over, today is a new day. I will stay on track and I will never again go out to eat without looking things up again. blah blah blah, I don't think I will lose 3.4 pounds this week though.

Work is a reality tomorrow.

So I start work tomorrow, I kept putting it off, Sophie is almost 12 weeks and I guess its time I start making money so I can spend it. I am getting my gym membership!! I did need new running/walking shoes but thanks to my very supportive parents they bought me some. As I stated before I have mixed feelings about returning to work, one side is excited to get out and be kid free for a little, let my husband have bonding time, oh and be able to spend money without my husband rolling his eyes. At the same time I am so sad even 15 hours or so a week away from my babies makes me sad, and its not as if I have a job that I went to school for, or really love it is just a serving job.

Okay so enough of that, I have noticed this new thing happening my wedding band is so loose, I am going to have to get this thing re sized at the end of this journey, sad thing is I will have to wait to reach it till I do it, so I will be ringless in a few months. I also have noticed weight loss in another strange spot, my feet, my shoes are a little looser. My friend saw me today and she said it looks like I lost all baby weight, which is almost exactly what I have plus a pound or 2.

Yesterday Ryan bought me work pants, I have to wear white ones so he went and picked me up a couple on sale, he bought a size 14, and a size 16. The 16 fits great with a little room to spare, and the 14 I will be wearing in 2-3 weeks I was able to button and zip them with no problems, they just aren't super comfy, and when I work I want super comfy pants. I can almost say I am out of size 16 pants, dress size is another story. Though my shirts I bought little over a month ago are starting to look like a tent on me, I am noticing things happening with clothes, I just haven't seen it, and get sad when I look at the pictures I took a couple days ago and see no matter these changes I still have a ton of work ahead of me.

I also had a good exercise day yesterday, I walked the 1.9 miles to Wegman's bought my few things I needed(including a half gallon of milk)put them in a backpack and walked the 1.9 miles back home. Today I am afraid that I won't get my workout in I have a cold. I want to take an easy in preparation for tomorrow, I am hoping to be over this cold.

WOW this blog was long and all over the place!

My new favorite lunch!

I have never been a fan of Veggie Burgers I tried a few in the past, would eat one and the rest would sit in the freezer till I threw them out. But the other day looking at them in frozen food section I saw Gardenburger Chipolte Black Bean, I love spicy foods so I thought I would give them a try, put an ounce of reduced fat cheese, and salsa, put it on a multi-grain Arnold's sandwich thin roll, and oh my it is amazing all just 4 points. I could eat 10 of them, but I do limit 1 per lunch and an apple or some fruit.

As you probably could tell I was a little down on myself the past couple of days, I saw the pictures of me and saw a really fat person. I am weird when I look in a mirror I don't see myself that way, I think I don't look any different than I did before I ever had children. If i weigh 250, or 200, or even 170 I see the same person in the mirror, so its hard for me to gage what I look like, till I see pictures. That is why I think I avoided pictures so much if I didn't have any I could deny in my head that I am fat. So yes it was an eye opener to look and face the facts, but I am proud of my self for one thing! I didn't let it take me off track, I had some positive comments, I from 2 bloggers that have been where I am and have gotten to the end of their journey's, so from them I found some strength to say its only the beginning, and I can do it. I never binged! I didn't give up (like I have in the past), Sure I was down about it but I found that I have the strength to be upset and not turn to food for comfort. Almost a month in to it and I have not fallen off the wagon, with the exception of 1 time I have not touched my flex points.

So yes I am disappointed in myself that I let food take over so much that I got fat fat fat, but I am also proud to have found a strength to change my eating, enjoy new foods, and stay on track!

Depressed=(

So I tried on a couple of dresses that fit me after I had Riley, and they did not fit. I am so bad that I gained weight after I had Riley but before I even got pregnant with Sophie. Oh well in a month they will fit, and in 2 months they won't fit again, but this time it will be because they are too big! I am really trying to stay positive but looking at the pictures of me and then trying on the dresses knocked me down to reality 6.6 pounds is hardly a drop in the bucket of all the weight I need to still lose. The 21 pounds is 1/5th of the weight I am losing, no wonder no one has really noticed.

Okay so now for some things to look forward to, my husband has promised me the honeymoon of my dreams when I drop the weight as a reward. So I am deciding between 2 totally different vacations. First option would be a Sandals resort in St. Lucia, all inclusive, relaxing, easy going, free drinks, free food, beaches perfect get away from the kids and stress. Second option would be to visit my best friend in Cannes France, and some time in Paris. So fun to see Julia, hang out see Europe, it wouldn't be as relaxing, but definitely more to do, see, and oh the wine we could drink. So I go back and forth between the 2 options, one would be about relaxation one would be about fun fun fun, both are complete dream vacations for me. I have never been to either place, both are gorgeous places. So do I go with umbrella drinks, or bottles of wine?? I have time to decide still...What would you do?

Oh wow, Pictures of me

So this is 21.6 pounds lighter than what I used to weigh. I know its bad I was hoping to see something better but this is down right depressing. I wish I had a picture of me 1 month ago grrrrrrrr.

I can't wait till I am not so embarrassed to show pictures of me and I can wear these fat pictures as a badge of honor, a way to see what I have accomplished.

I walked to my weight watcher meeting again, though I lied I mapped my walk and it is only 3.2 miles each way, so instead of a 7 mile walk I am doing a 6.4 mile walk. Not too bad, tomorrow is time to mow the lawn for exercise, and then the rest of the week is rotating 2 and 3 mile loop walks. When I start work and it gets cold I will start my membership to the YMCA, that way I have to work out 5 days a week. I want the fat girl in those pictures to disappear forever!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down 6.6 pounds!!!! WOOHOO, the site yelled at me but I am using my points just working out more. Breastfeeding also seems to help too. I am also officially less than I was when I got pregnant with Sophie. I am not sure about what I weighed exactly because those things depressed me and I would avoid it but I know it was over 230 but less than 240. Besides every pair of pants that fit me pre Sophie do all fit again. Next is to lose 3.4 pounds, that will make my weight loss 25 pounds and 10% of my body weight.

The sad thing is no one is noticing it, I know I am just where I was when I got pregnant so i guess that is why, but even people that saw me at 250 haven't really seen the loss. I also don't see it, and because I avoided pictures like the plague before this journey began I don't have any pictures to compare. I wish like some ladies have some before pictures and new ones every 10 pounds, I guess I could start that now. That is what I will do and you all can see how fat I still am. When Ryan comes home I will have him take the pictures.

I will post those later tonight.

Back home

We took the long way home, we did not drive through Canada we drove down through Ohio. I was so excited I was hoping to see a Chick-fil-A, I heard everything is less than 500 calories and I was so excited to be able to eat anything on the menu. My husband wouldn't stop "we had to make good time." We took the long way why did he have to drive so fast, and not stop, if he wanted to get home fast we should have gone the faster way grrrr. Okay so you can see I am mad at him.

So I did not get to eat anything and came home and had left over diet coke chicken, as always it was good, but I really wanted to go out some place where the entire menu was open to me. Okay I am done pouting about it. Over all the trip went well Riley cried she wanted to stay, to be honest I wanted to stay too, going to my parents cottage is so nice. My dad is also an amazing cook, my mom is one of the most amazing people with kids, so with her around I could cease to exist in Riley's mind, and they always have wine!

But back to reality, tomorrow is weigh in day, so I will eat light till then, and as long as it isn't raining or snowing I will be walking to my Weight Watcher meeting. I am hoping my parents scale is right, because if so I am going to have a good weigh in day!

At the cottage.

Oh it is so nice here, this weekend has been wonderful I don't want to go back! I have been watching what I eat very well but haven't been tracking (BAD KATIE). I did get to have dessert today my mom and Riley made Diet Sprite cake, it was good not as fluffy as a real cake but just as tasty. It is so nice to have my dad on weight watchers, because I know everything I eat is not a points buster. Though I think I ate 3 servings of ham today it was so good I couldn't stop myself. Oh well Tuesday is weigh in day, I will soon see if not tracking hurts me, or if I can take a small "vacation" from it. But I also know I won't do this much it is kind of a test for future vacations.

I will get pictures up soon! I am feeling good about myself though, I am ready for this new Katie to emerge and to wear a swim suit next year.

In Michigan

Yesterday we drove to Michigan, today we went to the Michigan State game. It was baby Sophie's first of many games and she was wonderful! I had to nurse her at the game, I don't have any issue with nursing in public, but I hate even showing an inch of my flab, but I was able to do it. I can't wait till flab is gone.



Oh and my mom who reads this blog pointed out a stupid mistake I have been making I want to lose weight.....not loose weight. I am the worst at grammar sometimes, so thanks to my mom for letting me know that, I feel like a big idiot but I appreciate her telling me so I don't keep on making the same silly mistake and looking like even more of an idiot. Funny thing about honesty though, sometimes you want to hear it and other times you want to be lied to. For years my mom was on me to lose weight, and I hated it. I hated the way she would constantly tell me how I needed to, it would make me cry, I would bitch about her to my friends(sorry mom!), and I would think she was the worst mom in the world. . Now I see things differently I wish I would have listened to her, if I had listened 2 years ago I would have only had to lose 70 pounds, if I listened to her 5 years ago it would have only been 40 pounds, and if I had listened to her 7 years ago it would have been 30 pounds. I realize now, she never said those things to hurt me, she wanted me to healthy and happy and comfortable in my own skin, something I haven't been in a long time. The sad thing is sometimes you are not ready to hear the honesty, you want the lies and I had my fair share of people telling me lies that I just thought my mom was a bitch(sorry again mom!!!). Now I love her for that, I know that through this journey she will be my biggest champion, and I know when the day comes when I look good she will let me know. I look forward to her honesty because I want to be that healthy, happy, comfortable self.

No more "I hope"

So after my last post about hope it got me thinking. When you hope for something it usually has to do with things out of your control, like I hope someday I will win the lottery. My weight loss is not a hope, it is something I have to work at, it is not something that I can just magically hope just falls off of me. I can not hope that each week I will loose weight, it is all in my hands. I have to work, struggle, and watch my eating and I will loose. Hoping for weight loss is a thing of the past.

I am also excited I searched and found other blogs of women who have lost weight or on the same journey as me, I am enjoying reading that others have struggled,cried and finally succeeded. So you can check out these other blogs I am following in my profile, defiantly worth looking at if you are need inspiration to loose weight like I do. I am at the beginning of my journey a few of these women are at the end.

I also opened my comments so anyone can comment you don't have to be a "follower."

Okay now onto the food portion, today was a pretty normal day. I ate my normal yogurt/granola/banana for breakfast. I am also getting in the habit of grabbing fruit for a snack, I am really enjoying it too, I have found a new love....pears. For dinner I was a little high, I ate a little less than half a sub from Wegman's, I took the cheese off and only had mustard, it was just the bread that made a 7 inch sub 9 points. I am also getting used to that "in between" feeling what I mean is that point your not really hungry, but you aren't full either. I used to eat when I reached that point. I would sometimes have a meal before my husband even came home, then have dinner too. I am embarrassed by my former eating habits. I am in deep enough that I can look back and be disgusted by that former self, but I am not so deep that I feel like I am cured and will never go back to that. I am working to taking it one day at a time, it does seem to get easier though. To end on a happy note... I tried on a pair of pants I bought 5 weeks ago, and I can not wear them, they literally fall off me as I walk....YAY no more 20's!!!

Back to work soon

So Today I went to work and filled out my paperwork to start back. I am not sure how I feel about it, one part is excited to work part time and get out of the house and have adult interaction. Another part is sad I am leaving my babies, true it will only be about 15 hours a week and it will be my husband taking care of them....but still it isn't easy. I am also worried about temptation at my job, see I work part time at nights at the Cheesecake Factory. So temptation will be strong, I know I will stick to mainly Vietnamese Shrimp summer rolls, and Lettuce wraps, both wonderful things, just hope I don't get sick of them too soon. Also now with me going back we will have "extra" money and I can join my gym. Another plus is serving involves lots of walking around, more walking means more activity, more activity more weight loss so YAY for that.


Today I mowed the lawn for my exercise. I think its my husband's favorite thing, every week to change things up I will mow the lawn as my day's exercise, since I have started Weight watchers he has not had to mow. I do try to do some sort of exercise everyday, it doesn't have to be a 7 mile walk, but at least something. I just don't want to get out of the habit of working out, and you know I actually like it. It is kind of nice to get out and walk or mow some of my frustrations away, and Ryan has been great about letting me have that time.

That is all for now, off to bed.

The good and the bad

I actually exercised this past week I would walk 2 or 3 mile loops, I watched my points and never went over or used any flex points, and only a 1.8 pound loss. I am disappointed. I know any weight loss is a good one, but I had really hoped for 2-3 pounds a week until I finally was under 200. I am not discouraged or anything like that, just had thought I would get more.

The good news is that I lost 5% of my body weight! I am thrilled about that, my next goal is to lose 10% of it, only 12.2 pounds to go to reach that I am working hard to have that knocked out by the beginning of October.

Yesterday I also walked to my weight watcher meeting, the walk there was great I felt awesome, the walk back was great until I was almost home then I started feeling it. I might have just about cried but I heard a cute little red head yelling "Hi Mommy" she was at the park by our house with my husband, so I played with her some and walked back with them.

So good news , I lost again, I walked 7 miles yesterday, I lost 5% of my body weight in 3 weeks. The bad is that I did not loose as much as I wanted, oh well the good is defiantly out weighing the bad.

Down 1.8

Only 1.8 pounds more later!

I hope.

So I have been reading lots of blogs about people wanting to loose weight. I go back to their start and you know they all say the same things I am. What scares me a little is that most have not lost what they wanted, and most still are struggling with the life style change. I just hope I am one of the ones that is successful with it, not that their weight loss isn't great, but I hope (naively more than likely)I can reach my goals in a year. I am already signed up for the Turkey trot on Thanksgiving it is an 8k run, my goal is to be able to run at least half of it. I am also signed up for a triathlon in June. My doctor she runs it and waved my fee, as long as I do 2 things, 1. show up, and 2. finish.

The triathlons are more important than the weight loss goals to be honest, but I do want to be close to my goal, and be down under 200 sooner rather than later.

Here is hoping I have the strength to keep at this, my healthy self stays with me and wins out. And in a year I can look back and say "Sure, I still like food, but I like me more"

I also hope my children will have no memories of me being fat. That someday they will look at the few pictures of me, and ask "who is that?"

I hope that soon I will have all control of my food in take, and it will not control me....binge splinge it will all be a thing of the past!

Okay enough of hoping now to do something about it, today I have to mow the lawn again, and I am going to be biking the 4.3 miles(8.6 both ways) to my WW meeting, tonight is weigh in day. I did exercise more this week than the previous weeks walking about 2 miles a day. This week I am upping it to 3 miles.

That is all for now, I will let you know my weight later tonight.